That's a man, baby.

Recently, the International Association of Athletics Federations has launched an investigation into the true sex of South African sprinter Caster Semenya after (s)he ran the 800m in 1m 55.45s at the championships in Berlin. An unusually deep voice, facial hair and a muscular build tipped off officials. Caster needs to take a cheating lesson from Sammy Sosa. When Sosa cheated he at least tried to cover it up by ‘forgetting’ how to speak English.

Austin Powers would have had a field day with her.

Some might think it is sexist to think that if (s)he can run that fast (s)he must be a man but I quite like the idea. You know what? I think while we’re at it let we should get Annika Sorenstam and Lisa Leslie to take the gender test (plus, she has two first names. If that’s not a sign not to trust someone then I don’t know what is). Lets take it one step further, I think any suspicions we have should be taken to a test. My suggestion is we do an age test on the man-child him self Andrew Bynum. Who knows maybe he’s just a really tall 9 year old with a growth hormone surplus.

I don’t have any more stories that I can use satire in an attempt to make funny so I’ve decided to play another game. It’s called, The Steve Yzerman game. What you do is pretend that you are Steve Yzerman and try and decide what you would do if you were in his shoes at any given moment. I’ve only played once before so I’m still new but I think I’m getting the hang of it. I played when Bobby Clarke chose Eric Lindros to captain the 1998 Canadian Olympic Team over Yzerman. It was my first time playing and I foolishly decided that killing Bobby Clarke was the best course of action. I couldn’t help the fury that was building inside me. Had he picked Gretzky, I would have been okay. Had he picked Bourque, I still would have been okay. But Eric Lindros? Eric-FUCKING-Lindros? And you know what the most confusing part about the whole thing is? He stripped Lindros of his Philadelphia Flyers captaincy the next year.  I’m sorry. That’s water under the bridge and I shouldn’t be getting so angry about it.

Give me a second to calm down.

Okay, I’m good. Here we go. Round two of The Steve Yzerman Game:

As I’m sure you know Yzerman is the GM of Canada’s Olympic Hockey team which means he has the pleasure of selecting the team for the 2010 games. There have been 46 players invited to orientation camp and it is his job to choose the best ones. I’m going to take my stab at it and when the roster is released I will compare how off I am and remind myself not to play The Steve Yzerman game for another 11 years.

Goaltender:
Martin Brodeur – It’s his job to lose.
Roberto Luongo – Solid number 2 goalie who will fight hard for the number 1 job.
Marc-Andre Fleury – Solid playoff run put him ahead of Cam Ward and Steve Mason. Enjoy the press box and soak it all in kid.

Defenseman:
Chris Pronger
Scott Niedermayer
Dan Boyle – Offensive skill had him battling with Mike Green. Defensive capabilities won him the #3 job.
Shea Weber
Jay Bouwmeester
Mike Green – will have to fight with Boyle for ice time.
Dion Phaneuf – disappointing season last year ranks him 7^th among D. Will make the team but will have to fight for ice time.

Forwards:
Jarome Iginla  --  Sidney Crosby – Rick Nash
Vinny Lecavalier – Ryan Getzlaf – Martin St. Louis
Dany Heatley – Joe Thornton – Shane Doan
Jonathan Toews – Jason Spezza – Jeff Carter
Simon Gagne – Eric Staal

From the desk of Steve Yzerman:
Congratulations and welcome to the 2010 Canadian Olympic team. Please note that an abundance of centres has forced natural centreman to play the wing. If this is a problem, then I have clearly made a vast misjudge of your character and you are no longer wanted to represent your country on the biggest stage. Mad props need to be given to all three of the Staal brothers who were asked to join us in camp this year. Also, why wasn’t Brian Campbell invited to the camp? That was my bad. Brian, if you’re reading this I’m sorry man.

Well that concludes another fun game of The Steve Yzerman game. Stayed tuned for the final rosters. And since I’ve been wrong in every sports prediction since I was old enough to say, “A-Rod will never cheat”, I’m sure Roberta Bondar and George St. Pierre will make the team.

 

Absolutely amazing. Let it be noted that although I have mentioned JT in two straight posts, I actually hate the man. Maybe I'll rethink my position on him, but as of right now I'm still a hater. But he did do a great job hosting the ESPYs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c48JtDNRydE

Plus, check out the Damishek to my Simmons at http://tdotfan.blogspot.com/

After much deliberation, I think how I’m going to work the blog is continuing to write shorter posts. When I think of a couple of blog-worthy ideas, I’ll share them. Until I think of a good topic to write a longer piece on, I’m thinking this is the best way. It will be like a TV sitcom finding its voice in the first season. The problem is that they are usually still funny in the first season, but there’s no guarantee here.

So, here is the first ever segment of: Things That Have Been Crossing My Mind In The World Of Sports. Here. We. Go.

When watching an Oakland Athletics game I couldn’t help but notice a striking resemblance between Jack Hannahan and the one and only JT.  Not two minutes after, my brother turns to me and says, “I might be crazy but does Hannahan look a little like JT?” I’m going to see if I can find some pictures that do it justice. And then I’ll see if I can figure out how to upload pictures to this website so you just might be able to see it.

Now this one is just hilarious. Chicago Blackhawks star centre Patrick Kane was arrested and charged in Buffalo for assaulting a cab driver. A little ridiculous right? You haven’t heard (read?) the best part. Kane and his cousin James Kane choked and repeatedly punched the cabbie over 20 cents. Yup. 20 cents. In Kane’s defense he only made $875 000 last year and he was probably angry about his team signing the walking death sentence named Marian Hossa to a 12 year contract.

(N.B.: I wrote this article and then woke up only to read about this in the newspaper. It’s not even close to funny when it’s a big news story)

Also, since I know Bill Simmons is reading (why wouldn’t he be?) I need to get this off my chest. With the recent news that David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez tested positive for banned substances in 2003 it automatically taints the 2004 and 2007 championships. Next, The New England Patriots, who, for whoever is wondering play out of Foxboro, Massachusetts were caught stealing signals from their divisional rival the New York Jets. They went on to complete a perfect regular season and lose in the Super Bowl to the New York Giants while going 18-1 in the process. And who knows how long the Pats have been doing it? To put this in perspective the pats won the championship in 2002, 2004 and 2005. Does this taint those victories? I’m going to say no cause I’m a fan, but you can decide on your own. Which makes me ask, how long before we read on the front page that Ray Allen and Paul Pierce asked Rashard Lewis for some juice and that Kevin Garnett was surgically altered to be a little taller then he was on Minnesota. Apparently anything is possible Kevin. If you cheat.

Take that Bill.

And on that note I’m out.

P.S. It’s weird writing a blog when I know there is only one person on the face of the planet that might get around to reading it.

How do you start a blog? (Apparently that’s how).  But seriously, the way I look at it is that to do something properly, you need to understand the task at hand. And unfortunately I in no way understand anything of or relating to the blogosphere. Here’s where I’m at: I googled (its now a verb, check Websters) blog and it said it is an online journal. Journal? Like, diary? Hmm, that doesn’t really sound like me. You might be reading the first and last post of the shortest-lived blog ever.

I used to get a subscription to Sports Illustrated for Kids when I was younger and although the pictures in it were pretty, the best part was the Buzz Beamer comic at the end. No questions asked. As I got older and SI for Kids became real SI, the editorial by Rick Reilly at the back took the cake. Finally I bought a book compiling the best of his editorials. I thought he was the greatest human on the planet. Problem being is that I could never be him since he came from a very scholarly background having been a journalist before he made the move to sports editorials.

This is where the one and only Bill Simmons came in. What can I say about the sports guy. Hilarious? Witty? Unorthodox? Yes. I think I’ll stick with unorthodox. This is why I was drawn to him. As long as I passed the Grade 10 literacy test and had access to the internet I was fully qualified to join the ranks of the blogosphere.

Okay, so there’s where I’m coming from. My blogging checklist now reads
1. Write intro: Check
2. Think of funny things to write about:

I’ll have to get back to you on number two.