That's a man, baby.

Recently, the International Association of Athletics Federations has launched an investigation into the true sex of South African sprinter Caster Semenya after (s)he ran the 800m in 1m 55.45s at the championships in Berlin. An unusually deep voice, facial hair and a muscular build tipped off officials. Caster needs to take a cheating lesson from Sammy Sosa. When Sosa cheated he at least tried to cover it up by ‘forgetting’ how to speak English.

Austin Powers would have had a field day with her.

Some might think it is sexist to think that if (s)he can run that fast (s)he must be a man but I quite like the idea. You know what? I think while we’re at it let we should get Annika Sorenstam and Lisa Leslie to take the gender test (plus, she has two first names. If that’s not a sign not to trust someone then I don’t know what is). Lets take it one step further, I think any suspicions we have should be taken to a test. My suggestion is we do an age test on the man-child him self Andrew Bynum. Who knows maybe he’s just a really tall 9 year old with a growth hormone surplus.

I don’t have any more stories that I can use satire in an attempt to make funny so I’ve decided to play another game. It’s called, The Steve Yzerman game. What you do is pretend that you are Steve Yzerman and try and decide what you would do if you were in his shoes at any given moment. I’ve only played once before so I’m still new but I think I’m getting the hang of it. I played when Bobby Clarke chose Eric Lindros to captain the 1998 Canadian Olympic Team over Yzerman. It was my first time playing and I foolishly decided that killing Bobby Clarke was the best course of action. I couldn’t help the fury that was building inside me. Had he picked Gretzky, I would have been okay. Had he picked Bourque, I still would have been okay. But Eric Lindros? Eric-FUCKING-Lindros? And you know what the most confusing part about the whole thing is? He stripped Lindros of his Philadelphia Flyers captaincy the next year.  I’m sorry. That’s water under the bridge and I shouldn’t be getting so angry about it.

Give me a second to calm down.

Okay, I’m good. Here we go. Round two of The Steve Yzerman Game:

As I’m sure you know Yzerman is the GM of Canada’s Olympic Hockey team which means he has the pleasure of selecting the team for the 2010 games. There have been 46 players invited to orientation camp and it is his job to choose the best ones. I’m going to take my stab at it and when the roster is released I will compare how off I am and remind myself not to play The Steve Yzerman game for another 11 years.

Goaltender:
Martin Brodeur – It’s his job to lose.
Roberto Luongo – Solid number 2 goalie who will fight hard for the number 1 job.
Marc-Andre Fleury – Solid playoff run put him ahead of Cam Ward and Steve Mason. Enjoy the press box and soak it all in kid.

Defenseman:
Chris Pronger
Scott Niedermayer
Dan Boyle – Offensive skill had him battling with Mike Green. Defensive capabilities won him the #3 job.
Shea Weber
Jay Bouwmeester
Mike Green – will have to fight with Boyle for ice time.
Dion Phaneuf – disappointing season last year ranks him 7^th among D. Will make the team but will have to fight for ice time.

Forwards:
Jarome Iginla  --  Sidney Crosby – Rick Nash
Vinny Lecavalier – Ryan Getzlaf – Martin St. Louis
Dany Heatley – Joe Thornton – Shane Doan
Jonathan Toews – Jason Spezza – Jeff Carter
Simon Gagne – Eric Staal

From the desk of Steve Yzerman:
Congratulations and welcome to the 2010 Canadian Olympic team. Please note that an abundance of centres has forced natural centreman to play the wing. If this is a problem, then I have clearly made a vast misjudge of your character and you are no longer wanted to represent your country on the biggest stage. Mad props need to be given to all three of the Staal brothers who were asked to join us in camp this year. Also, why wasn’t Brian Campbell invited to the camp? That was my bad. Brian, if you’re reading this I’m sorry man.

Well that concludes another fun game of The Steve Yzerman game. Stayed tuned for the final rosters. And since I’ve been wrong in every sports prediction since I was old enough to say, “A-Rod will never cheat”, I’m sure Roberta Bondar and George St. Pierre will make the team.